This is going to be a weird blog for when I start with this I am clueless as to what’s going on through my mind. It is probably a blunt confession of thoughts as they flow, trying to form a picture but are still out of focus… no editing, no read-through and not even pauses for second thoughts. Mirrored here are the scribblings of an unrelenting restless mind that understands no emotions other than practicality, no expression other than laughter and no relationships other than great company….
Let’s rewind the last couple of hours to where this turmoil all started… I finished reading a book by a person very close to me, that talks about his past life, that is so dedicated to his friends and that is an overwhelming flashback of some very special memories… Every word in that book was a simplistic encounter with reality and with friendship, as beautiful as it can be. But surprisingly (or rather shockingly!!) these words kindle in me no emotions, no memories and no fond remembrances. I take a breather to wonder if I haven’t myself had such remarkable friends in my college days… Or is it that those have failed to leave any mark in my life… Well, that can’t be it! I still have vague recollections of times when I used to be quite the opposite of what I am today…
Couple of years ago, this book would have made me all nostalgic, giving a providential feeling towards that bunch of guys that I used to hang out with. So what went wrong? Has the emotional betrayal (not one but many) along the way made me devoid of the emotions that so used to define me? That does seem to make sense but do you call that a positive development really? This small retrospection session has just driven home the fact that I have developed a shield of resentment around me that has made me impassive towards most forms of sentiments. I know it is a very heavy statement and I am not really proud to have reached this stage.
This state of mind has given new definitions to a lot of “concepts”. Being alone is now just the lack of an environment of celebration and all you need to overcome that is some loud music, a couple of drinks and a gang of friends who can make fun of each other and laugh on it… Missing someone is just another phrase for saying that I have been busy with life and not had a chance to catch up with you. Friendship is a state of mind where you have a bunch of people to call when you want to go clubbing or when you don’t feel like being within the four walls of the room. A date with a guy you like is just a good dinner, conversation and a nice long drive. And worst of all, love is just another term for getting addicted to someone’s company! The sad truth is that to reach this level was a conscious effort under the perception that “the grass is always greener on the other side” but it turned out to be a hard-hitting realization that the mind is still in an unstable trance!
The silver lining, if you really want to see it, is that this extreme end of the tunnel gives you a strength to face most of the trauma that comes your way (by trauma, I mean heart-breaks which have been the climax in most of the trusted relationships/friendships that I have been in…). But was it really worth going from one extreme to another, where you have lost the sincere warmth that you used to feel towards select people? Is it even fair on the people who really care for you to be affected by this detachment and lack of reciprocation? And worst still, what if it takes the few remaining kind-hearted souls from your life and by the time you start rediscovering those lost emotions, you are again left in a solitary duel? Scary thought isn’t it???
Looks like life is going to be a prolonged quest for striking that balance of lucidity. Thank god for making me arrogant enough to not accept the existing state of affairs and keep fighting till you reach the level that you envisioned all along. As much fun as it is to fight these disputes between the heart and the mind, the bottom line remains that if either wins, you are on the losing side!
PS for people who really care for me: I am not into any form of depression, just trying to better my perfection by thinking out aloud!!