Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Mastery over mind

There are times when everything about your life seems out of place, somewhat mismatched, making no sense... These are times when you fail to realize how lucky you are compared to so many other people who are struggling to get places. No prizes for guessing that I am going through such a terrible patch currently! It’s not this feeling that disturbs me for I am pretty sure that all of us at some point or the other have quite a pain trying to make sense of the “bigger picture”. What is bothering is that this phase has continued on for quite a long period of time (close to a year now!!!!)...
I spend most of nights trying to figure out why everything seems to be so disconnected, what some people call as introspecting! And the reason I am writing today is that I think I have found my reason. I have been living alone in this beautiful city for the past eight months. The only thing that has been with me over this period is my job. That’s what life is all about now! Getting up in the morning, going to workplace, doing a job that is manageable though not very exciting, coming back almost at midnight hour and doing this same thing five days a week (often even seven days a week!!!). Not that there is anything particularly unsettling about the job part, but little else other than that is going smooth these days.
As wonderful and proud as I feel at the thought that I am one of the very few people in this country who manage to get an independent life at an age of 23, the point in living alone away from home in a city where I know a handful of people is slowly fading away. It’s hard to keep track of the number of nights that I have spent wondering whether I would be happier to be in a place where there is more to life than just job! Is it because of the fact that I am unable to settle into the new form of life that I entered into six months ago??? That still remains to be determined!
There is this craving inside the heart that longs for that someone special who can take of you and make sure that you never feel alienated, in whichever corner of the world you might be in... I don’t have that someone! At least I haven’t had him for the past one year... So this is the second reason (the first being away from family as stated above...) that I thought could be causing these unsettling emotions. The inability to get over a relationship that failed to exist almost a year earlier is quite a defeat and that was actually a part of the reason for this unrest in the mind and a constant feeling of being lost even when surrounded by friends or family.....
I don’t know whether it’s a perception or there is some truth to it but there is a creeping feeling inside that I am losing touch with myself. And finally today I have almost come to a conclusion. Actually after being in this phase of life for a little more than 7 months, this is what I realized. I have always enjoyed having a variety of things in life-dance, sports, reading, painting and the list goes on... But as of today, I hardly find time to do any of the things that I so used to love doing! That dynamic nature that used to define my character has gone missing. In the process of making myself suitable for the corporate role that I have always longed for, I have failed to grasp the fact that some of the softer things in life (that might often be ignored by many of us....) are slowly but surely taking a backstage! Guess bringing that back is the best way to bring back some of the lost colour in life...
With this realization, I proceed to the next phase of trying to revitalize the flavour of my day-to-day world. There is only one way to do that. Get out of the self-pitying state of mind and as a very dear person says to me constantly, “just need to remind yourself that you are lucky to be in a place where you have always wanted to be... a few minor hiccups on the way are inevitable!!!”
Hope to write my next blog in a much better state of mind J Fingers crossed though!


  1. Hmmm, surprised that someone of your strength/stature speaks of self-piteousness da! But then, we are all human and I guess vulnerability is common. Understand it is not a crime, but once you do, I am sure you have both the nous and the courage to break the shackles and emerge the stronger and better! :)

    As for relationships, I surmise a loss haunts until one finds another... And I am not speaking of love here, for it only triggers a relationship... you can love someone and not say it because you know it will not work out etc! But until you get that sb spl who is there for you at all times of the day through thick and thin (esp thin) the mind wanders off...irrespective of the distance and height you have travelled in other spheres of life. If and when I DO submit, the dissertation will have clocked record time... but still deep inside there is this hollowness not very different from the one you speak of!

    But you'll be fine da, trust me!!! :) Just hang in there and - as you had noted - try to do those things which bring you little pleasures when you get a breathe. Take loads of care and until you find that sb who treats you like a queen, treat YOURSELF like a Princess! :)

    Sorry for half an essay disguising as a comment. lol :D. Take care! :) Always nice to read posts rich in sensitivity! :)

  2. I can very well relate to this feeling... Maybe cuz I am in a very similar lifestyle right now...

    Yeh sard-e-raat, yeh aawargi, yeh neend ka bojh,
    main apne sheher me hota to ghar chale jaata...

    Though, I hope you are out of the phase...

    Btw, found a vacancy in the above post... temme if you want me to find a candidate to fill in the post...

  3. Well well Priyank wished it worked that way where vacancies could be filled so easily!!!

    Guess you know it equally well!