The perplexity that is the arranged marriage!

This is probably one of the most controversial topics that I have selected for a blog. But to be honest, everyone is entitled to an individualistic opinion on such subjective social issues and here is where I present mine. This blog is, per se, inspired by the millions of conversations that I have with friends, kin, parents and everyone else who has a bit of time to spare for they think that that is the only issue going on in the life of a 24-year old woman in the Indian society. It is a bewilderment why a 26-year old man does not get the same number of heads turned focusing on his age when the ideal age gap in an Indian couple is considered two years! Such double standards!!

I am not against marriage for I strongly believe in the concept of matrimony and how essential it is to the functioning of the society and human race in general. To put matters simply, it is beautiful when it happens the way it was planned… which I believe is a rarity to say the least. It is the whole idea behind arranging a marriage that seems a bit irrational to me. I am probably questioning one of the oldest prevailing Indian traditions but I just believe that like all other older rituals, that we have revamped over time to suit the changing trends, this one should be given a thought too.

I recently heard a very strong case in favor of arranged marriage which I actually did appreciate. A friend of mine pointed out that not all people are outgoing or forthcoming enough to find their own mates and if my logic of marriage necessitated by love was to be applied, some might remain single! This is a good way to look at the idea and I sincerely accept that in such a scenario, my reasoning fails. But if you look at the society of today, everyone (at least 99% of the population) has a successful/failed love affair, which only goes to show that my principle is easily applicable to the broader base, and that is what all theories are targeted at. Even hard sciences do not give a 100% success ratio.

I understand when people are eager to get married. But what baffles me is when a few of them say that their choice is an arranged marriage! How is arranged marriage a choice??? I can comprehend if it is the choice of your parents. But how can it be a voluntary decision on the part of the person getting married to go for a mate selected by some astrological matching!! There are further some cases where some of us are forced to go for an arranged matrimony for the simple reason that we do not want to go against the wishes of our family. This reasoning, I can accede to but even then not fully. You have to live with someone for 40 years of your life (on an average), raise kids with him/her, spend your old days together and plan your life together. It is a bit hard to compromise on all that. What if the astrology matches but the interests are poles apart!!!

Some of the readers might find my thoughts too radical. This is not to criticize the people who think otherwise. This is only to put a case forward that there is no right or wrong here. You ridicule my way and I am puzzled by yours. I am not forcing you to get married only when you fall in love. By that logic, you cannot force me to go for an arrangement that I am not comfortable with. It often eludes me why people try to convince each other that theirs is the right stand. And that too in subjective issues as this one!

For me, the only reason to go for matrimony is when you know that you want to spend your life with someone for whatever reasons! And without that realization, a marriage in itself is unnatural!

The Last Night

Well, I started to write this blog so that I can keep it as a diary entry, an episode which I could go back to whenever I want to relive my days, here in UK, far far away from home. There is no clear line as to whether the feeling that I have today is good or bad, let’s just call it a grey area as of now for I am sure that the dark side of it is just temporary and will vanish as soon as I go back to my country.

I have a huge slam book of memories to take with me, of the Emirates, the Theatre of Dreams, the city of Manchester, the UK Somerset country side, the sinfully frantic shopping experiences at the happening central London streets, the beautiful London architecture, the go-crazy intoxicating music in some of the legendary London clubs, riverside beer conversations with some unexpected yet very special friends and so many more picture perfect frames!

And as I sit here in my flat spending my last night here in London at home, I realise that the three months gone by have been as rewarding as anticipated in the beginning! The reason for the most part is my job though it gave a few rough days, sleepless nights and crazy stress, all impossible to handle but well, it’s a package. If you want the good part of it, you take the other side as well.

There were some breathtaking moments along the way, professionally as well as personally. And these made up for the countless nights that I spent in front of my system unable to figure out why I was doing all this. There comes a point in life when your mind starts playing tricks on you. And in my case, my brain was teasing me as if to say, “Isn’t this what you always wanted? So what are you crying about now?” But then things became better, which is primarily because you get used to even hangovers when they stay for more than a day! That’s what happened to me and once I got used to that, life was miraculously easy.

There was one extremely special moment, which was life-changing yet completely unexpected. I always thought that I was slogging to get that job, to be a part of this fraternity, to fulfil the next level of my well-thought out dream process. And finally the reward was there for the taking and when all should have fallen into place, they did but just not to form the same picture. I had to make one of the toughest choices apparently but it was not tough at all. So the most awaited words are spoken. “We would love for you to join us here.” And at that moment, it was spontaneous! I knew I had to go back, not because I don’t want this job. That was never the argument. But because there is something more important to look forward to! And now in hindsight, I probably realise that the only thing that was driving me to finish these three months here is the thought that my future is there, back in India waiting for me, where I left it!

Now there is no more confusion. I leave this city only with fantastic experiences that will speak for themselves long after I leave this place. There are no regrets. Not even a remote sense of curiosity as to how different life would have been if I had said a yes to moving to London. Just a hidden nostalgia for I will surely miss this city and the independence that it gave me in terms of every single decision of my life. But that’s about it! All the tricks by the mind fail for there is a content feeling that getting this far in itself was a big feat. And if I have to feed to my ego, well I can always use the self effacing thought that “they did actually pick me and it was I who wanted to move along!” and that feeling is almost like winning a break-up!!!

The weeks gone by

I had planned to write this piece before I even left India. Just did not know when I would befriend the city enough to be able to do justice to the culture that this city is so famously known for. And after the three weeks that have gone by getting to know London, there are mixed feelings. The positives are definitely attributable to London itself and the negative ones are nowhere related to it. I have no benchmarks because this is the only country that I have come to besides my own and needless to say, there is no comparison to India, not just because it is exemplary but because it is home and any expression about home is bound to be tainted with favoritism for obvious reasons...

The enthusiasm that I had when I entered London was quite high just because I was longing so much for a change. Being the restless soul that I am, I get weary of my surroundings and people very easily and a change always does good. And besides, I was stepping into the actual career of my dreams, probably the closest that I can get to the real investment banking world in its magnanimous persona in the near future. So it was all supposed to be an adventure. And more or less, it has been that way! The city has done justice to all my expectations. If you are someone who loves to be alone, who enjoys personal time so much so that you prefer time with yourself over being in a crowd, well perhaps this city is one of the best options. 

It takes no time to be part of the crowd, the crowd that I am referring to, being a part of a particular genre of people. If you go anywhere in the city of London (that is just one square mile at the center of the city, the rest being referred to as Greater London), you see the standard set of crowd, especially on a weekday morning. A sea of people who take the tube, a Starbucks in one hand, a newspaper/novel in the other, earphones making sure that people know you do not want to be disturbed from your personal space, looking up from their book once in a while to see if they reached Moorgate/Bank/Monument (tube stations), then walking at a speed from the station to their workplace that is enough to win a marathon, all the while mailing someone on their Blackberry or calling their bankers/bosses to tell that they have already mailed the work from yesterday at 4 in the morning!!! It's the same kind of people, whether man or woman and all of them dressed in exemplary fashion and looking super fit by the way! 

It's easy to be part of that crowd because you need to know no one unlike back home where travelling by Mumbai local gives you a bunch of friends referred to as "Train buddies". This is not to say that people here are unfriendly. They are quite the opposite actually. I was impressed by so many gestures, a cab driver wishing you a good day, a driver stopping in the middle of the road to let the pedestrians cross first even at the peak hour, people willing to help newcomers get familiar with the city and lots more. But I have never seen personal space my entire life the way I have seen the past three weeks. You don't know if you like it or dislike it. You know you are a part of something big (holds true only if you have the same dream for a career as I had since I was 16!!!) but you also know that so are the thousands of others walking alongside you.

The city in itself is a paradise, the architecture of a shopping mall is no less than a castle and you sometimes get the out of the world feeling, when you look at a St.Paul's Cathedral from a Millennium Bridge at 3 in the morning. That's beauty at its best. You are always alone but you never feel alone for if you stop a moment and look around you see that there are so many like you. Hanging out as a group isn't the norm here which was a shocker for me. But you have to give this one to me. History has given me too many shared laughter and such strong bonds of camaraderie. And as far as I am concerned, misery and euphoria, both needs company!! 

I haven't seen much of London other that the fifth floor of 10, Aldermanbury, London Wall and to be honest, settling in was hard. I had a tough time getting used to this lifestyle because there are a few people that I always need to fall back on and they all are 4,500 miles away. My health didn't support much either and above all the work is taxing beyond levels. But things are falling into place now, because as my dearest friend said yesterday, when you have to be working 20 hours a day, meeting no one but your colleagues, struggling to take out couple of hours to do just anything besides work, you may as well do it with a smile!! And when you think of it that way, things seem all peaceful again. It's strange how much of a role perspective can play in your life.

Well, giving it time did work! I am falling for this city.. Slowly but surely!

Of beliefs and of reality - A common man's perspective

The Jan Lokpal Bill has today reached a stage, where every Indian wants to be associated with it, every form of media talks about it (for like days together!) and every individual wants to have a say about it… so much so that people like me are willing to write blogs on it to share our views on one of the most talked about issues in the recent past of Indian politics.

For people who aren’t very familiar with the concept of the bill, it is an anti-corruption bill drafted by civil activists for the appointment of an independent body (to be called the Jan Lokpal or Citizen’s Ombudsman) which would investigate the corruption cases with the aim of finishing the trial within a period of one year so that there is justice for all and that too in a reasonable time frame. And by independent body here, we mean that the government has no influence on them. This independent body is to be made up of people selected by judges, citizens and other authorities and since the politicians have no say in the constitution of the body, the corruption angle within the Lokpal will be minimal and even if such a case of corruption happens within the body, there are ways to remove those people within a period of two months. That’s the summarized yet comprehensive version of the concept of Lokpal bill.

 This bill has time and again been proposed and there have been frequent controversies and oppositions. And my opinion is that these oppositions aren’t really unfounded. I know this statement may not be very well received by a major portion of the population which has shown its keenness in supporting the widespread revolution that started in the capital city but is spreading like a wildfire now. For people who have been victims of corruption and bureaucracy all through their lives (and trust me there are millions in this category) this is like a light at the end of the tunnel for they know that if there is any chance that this thing gets implemented, that would be like a fitting climax, what you see in a Bollywood movie where the good wins the evil and then everyone lives happily ever after. Let me make it clear that I am not being sarcastic about the concept of the bill in general but that being said, there are serious questions on the implementation and the understanding of this bill.

Being an Indian, I can very much empathize with these people who are trying to fight out corruption with all that they have in their hands. We all talk about it at workplace, trains, buses and any other place where we have two people to listen to us but no one takes any step forward and these people (the supporters of the bill) have done that and that’s an achievement and no wonder everyone wants to be a part of this because each one of them believes that they can fight it. They were all waiting for a trigger and they got it in the form of these people. We need to acknowledge their bravery and proactiveness because they are fighting for what they believed in.

But let’s not overlook the bigger picture here. On paper, everything looks perfect but what about the reality? Is it really a viable option to create a ‘larger than life’ body that will have so much power within its hands? Is that how the laws of a country with a billion people are supposed to be made? And when we talk about the power, we don’t even know clearly what all these powers encompass. The bill is not very clear in terms of the judicial authority that the Lokpal will have. There is a reason why the constitution of India separates the powers of executive, legislative and judiciary. Are we sure that we want to create a body that will tread within the borders of all these areas? How can we expect that kind of an organization to work? And who are these people who we think are qualified enough to judge on every other person in the country and be given irrevocable powers for that? Howsoever qualified that person might be, will it be unfair to assume that those ‘impartial people’ are not likely to be affected by the same conflicts of interest that every other person in power does? And above all, are we saying that a small body of a few individuals will have the capacity to handle loads of cases and then provide fair justice in all of them? Not unless these people we are talking about are some super-humans or mutants for the sheer volume makes it look like a gigantic task. All I am saying is that before creating unrest in social life through agitations and protests, for the implementation of a bill (which is likely to become like a parallel constitution) whose clauses are not even clear to the larger public like me who is going to be the beneficiary of the bill in the first place, should we not make sure that what we are fighting for is feasible and not just a concept that looks excellent on paper and is going to be failure when we see the practicality of it?

No doubts that this is a good cause and an excellent act of courage, but let’s not fool ourselves. Let’s not be tempted by the longing dream of seeing a corruption-free country into believing that such a big change is going to happen just with a dream (howsoever strong and noble it may be). The patriotism inside me also cries out to fight for the good cause but let’s not let our emotion overpower the practicality that life is!

The survival instincts

Mumbai city is one of the busiest cities of the world. It is home to almost 20 million people (increasing exponentially every year) and nearly 30,000 people live in every square kilometre which is a breath taking number. So no wonder this city is the focal point of so many terror activities. The idea behind any such activity is to create a fear in the minds of the people and larger the number of minds affected, greater is the impact. And if a person thinks logically, this is the place to target if you want to send out a message and if you want your message to reach out far and wide. Well that brings us to the question of who is really the intended recipient of the messages that such attacks convey.

This is one question that I have never been able to understand completely. Are they (and I am going to use a pronoun throughout my blog and not use any provocative words to keep this least controversial) making a statement to the authoritative powers, the decision-makers of the country or is it directed towards the common man? Well, I don’t think the answer is a straight forward A or B here. Guess a bit of both is what I will settle for. The irony here is how many people who get directly affected by these blasts which are now infamously described as the “Mumbai terror attacks” (with a special wikipedia page being dedicated to each such attack) really know what is it that is happening at the global or country level that drives these operations. Again silence is the answer!

Well enough of trying to understand the larger picture. Let’s try to understand the subtleties here. What do you think goes on in the mind of every Indian citizen who might directly or indirectly get scarred by these happenings? How many families have their relatives working in this city (guess everyone has a friend or a kin working in Mumbai!!) and spend sleepless nights when they have to send their sons and daughters to pursue their career in Mumbai? It is a pain to think of the dilemma that they go through for they do not want to be the parents who act like roadblocks in the journey of a youngster’s dreams. If you ask me (I here represent the scores of people who move to Mumbai everyday because that’s where you have to be if you have to make it big in your life), I am fearless and indifferent to these attacks because that’s what happens in most of the “dream” cities of the world. Does that mean they have to think the same?

If you pity this category of people, then let me show you another set of wounded heroes. These are the people who have stayed in Mumbai all their lives, who cannot live in any other city for nothing compares to the commercial and free lifestyle that this city offers (I completely second them by the way!). These are the people who are referred to as the spirited Mumbaikars who have been through so much in their lifetime (even the younger generation has seen multiple disasters thanks to the periodic intervals in which these occur never letting them get over the last one completely…) that they have learnt it the hard way to be prepared for anything that might happen when they leave their homes in the morning for their livelihood. That is what, exactly, is the most depressing underlying fact!! Humans adapt to everything because they have to survive. And that everything is not just rains and traffic that this city is already so known for. That “everything” now includes even the traumatising experiences that they encounter time and again!

So where is the end to all this? This question is rhetorical. No amount of police can provide an exhaustive security to the 20 million people in this city because the idea itself is so out of imagination. At least, it escapes me how you can have an all-encompassing system to ensure no anti-social elements enter a city in which thousands enter everyday for a career. Mumbai is always going to be on the radar because of its biggest strength-its people- and well, the people know it as well.

Give a shot at making these people understand how dangerous this city is and try suggesting to anyone in this city to move to some other place and start a safer life there. There is hardly a soul you can convince and that’s not just because other places are also subject to the same threats. It’s just because Mumbai has a way to make people fall in love with it and after that it’s a one-side love story. You know you might end up getting hurt any day but then what’s the point in living if you haven’t lived your life to the fullest…. 

To a lifetime friendship...

The universe of “friendship” has different kinds of species in it. There are some friends who are always ready to hang out with you so that you are never alone, you always have someone to celebrate the best of your times with and the broader picture of life looks like a scene from Hollywood with all laughter. There is yet another type who is there at your beck and call and you know that when you are in trouble, that is the number you need to save in your speed dial for that person has a solution to every problem in your mind. And a few more belonging to the group who probably never express what you mean to them but tell you with their smallest of actions and the rarest of smiles that you are safe in this world coz “I am there for you”.

Well, I found a gem who is all of these and much more. Six months ago things were so different in my world. I lived a life where I worked 80 hours a week, slept through the weekends and spent rest of my time in my beloved books and movies. And then on a day for which I thank my stars, I met two of the most influential people in my world till date but this column is just about one of them (the other needs a longer thinking process to fit in my blog and that we will save for some other day). Our friendship has been like a joy ride all along not because it’s just fun that matters in life, but because he has taught me that happiness is what we live for. When you get the privilege to be a part of group to which he belongs, you learn to live life the way it was meant to be… that “seize the day” motto that every third movie talks about and every philosophy class teaches you.

There are so many things to be impressed about in a human but I can’t list any of that in this guy. Not because he has none but because that is an experience only a lucky few are entitled to and I am not certainly going to share that fortune with the readers of this blog. You have to meet him to know what a remarkable person he is and if you haven’t met him, well, that’s your bad luck! Don’t expect any descriptions from me here!! Thanks to him (along with a few others), I have learnt to appreciate so many things around me… What used to be lonely city where I have come just for my job leaving all my close friends behind became “The most adorable place” where I have come to love my freedom with a bunch of people who seem so much like my own.

I am keeping this one short for he knows how much I appreciate him being a part of my life and there is no need to write an essay for that. And if I know him correctly, he would already be welling up when he reaches these lines. It’s his b’day today and I wish him every single happiness in life. I hope (and Know) that this is one of the scores of such days that we are gonna celebrate together. May he get all he wanted in life including a shining career in advertising, a lifetime of happiness and unbridled success, a chance to travel around the world and visit all exotic places, a brilliant Jaguar (or Aston Marin or Mascerati whichever he likes more), and of course a bunch of precious people to enjoy all these with (including me!)… Happy b’day Nyukeit Thakkar and God bless you J

PS: There is only one thing I would like to change about you but my gift will take care of that!!!!

Confusion at its best!

This is going to be a weird blog for when I start with this I am clueless as to what’s going on through my mind. It is probably a blunt confession of thoughts as they flow, trying to form a picture but are still out of focus… no editing, no read-through and not even pauses for second thoughts. Mirrored here are the scribblings of an unrelenting restless mind that understands no emotions other than practicality, no expression other than laughter and no relationships other than great company….

Let’s rewind the last couple of hours to where this turmoil all started… I finished reading a book by a person very close to me, that talks about his past life, that is so dedicated to his friends and that is an overwhelming flashback of some very special memories… Every word in that book was a simplistic encounter with reality and with friendship, as beautiful as it can be. But surprisingly (or rather shockingly!!) these words kindle in me no emotions, no memories and no fond remembrances. I take a breather to wonder if I haven’t myself had such remarkable friends in my college days… Or is it that those have failed to leave any mark in my life… Well, that can’t be it! I still have vague recollections of times when I used to be quite the opposite of what I am today…

Couple of years ago, this book would have made me all nostalgic, giving a providential feeling towards that bunch of guys that I used to hang out with. So what went wrong? Has the emotional betrayal (not one but many) along the way made me devoid of the emotions that so used to define me? That does seem to make sense but do you call that a positive development really? This small retrospection session has just driven home the fact that I have developed a shield of resentment around me that has made me impassive towards most forms of sentiments. I know it is a very heavy statement and I am not really proud to have reached this stage.

This state of mind has given new definitions to a lot of “concepts”. Being alone is now just the lack of an environment of celebration and all you need to overcome that is some loud music, a couple of drinks and a gang of friends who can make fun of each other and laugh on it… Missing someone is just another phrase for saying that I have been busy with life and not had a chance to catch up with you. Friendship is a state of mind where you have a bunch of people to call when you want to go clubbing or when you don’t feel like being within the four walls of the room. A date with a guy you like is just a good dinner, conversation and a nice long drive. And worst of all, love is just another term for getting addicted to someone’s company! The sad truth is that to reach this level was a conscious effort under the perception that “the grass is always greener on the other side” but it turned out to be a hard-hitting realization that the mind is still in an unstable trance!

The silver lining, if you really want to see it, is that this extreme end of the tunnel gives you a strength to face most of the trauma that comes your way (by trauma, I mean heart-breaks which have been the climax in most of the trusted relationships/friendships that I have been in…). But was it really worth going from one extreme to another, where you have lost the sincere warmth that you used to feel towards select people? Is it even fair on the people who really care for you to be affected by this detachment and lack of reciprocation? And worst still, what if it takes the few remaining kind-hearted souls from your life and by the time you start rediscovering those lost emotions, you are again left in a solitary duel? Scary thought isn’t it???

Looks like life is going to be a prolonged quest for striking that balance of lucidity. Thank god for making me arrogant enough to not accept the existing state of affairs and keep fighting till you reach the level that you envisioned all along. As much fun as it is to fight these disputes between the heart and the mind, the bottom line remains that if either wins, you are on the losing side!

PS for people who really care for me: I am not into any form of depression, just trying to better my perfection by thinking out aloud!!